I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
