Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
