I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
