three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
