I am puke
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
