It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
