i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
