Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
