Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You're earring is so big in my mouth
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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