So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
