My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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