i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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