..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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