Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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