Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
PANTIES FOUND
Shame - the story of my life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
