Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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