I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
