I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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