I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
In other news, I just burned my penis
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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