i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
