I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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