new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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