I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
