he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My feet surprised me
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