she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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