I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
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Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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