I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
