I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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