Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
