dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
