i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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