Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Pooping to opera.
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