my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
