yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
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The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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