Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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