I need help removing her.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
