If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
