My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think your dad took our porno
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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