two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
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We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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