What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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