I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
