How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
