i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Boobs speak an international language.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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