mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
