I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Randomize
