Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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