I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think my vagina is haunted
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
