Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
