I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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