end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
