T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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