from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
