Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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