My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
