billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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