I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
