He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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