YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize