I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
