you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
