I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
