Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
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She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
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The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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