Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
